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One Bite at a Time, One Step at a Time

The last few days have been really rough on me. The chemotherapy and radiation are really taking their toll on me in a big way. I haven’t even been able to compute these last few days!

I’ve had bladder spasms, diarrhea, and gas pains on three successive days, accompanied with tremendous exhaustion. I spend most of my days lying in bed and practicing mindfulness of breathing. I have read a little, listened to a few tapes, and watched the French Open, but most of  I just lie in bed. Breathing in, “healthy cells grow all by themselves.” Breathing out, “I’m free of cancer!”

When it comes to eating and moving, I find that I can only eat one bite at a time! When I walk, I can only take one step at a time. Of course, this is normal behavior, but in my present physical state, there seems to be an awareness at a different level of each bite, of each step.

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The 10 Bulls of Zen

After the ordeal I had this week, I finally feel that the disease in under control, even though I don’t have all of my energy back. The situation reminded me of the Ten Bulls of Zen, by Kakuan, transcribed by Nyogen Senzaki and Paul Reps, illustrated by Tomikichiro Tokuriki, HTML version by Jamie Andrews.

In these pictures, the bulls represent the eternal principle of life, that is, truth in action. Each bull represents a step in the direct experience and realization of one’s true nature. Riding the bull home, or “coming home on the Ox’s back” was traditionally the sixth bull of Zen. This is what Hakuan had to say in D. T. Suzuki’s, Manual of Zen Buddhism (Grove Press, New York, 1960, page 132):

The struggle is over; the man is no more concerned with gain and loss. He hums a rustic tune of the woodman, he sings simple songs of the village boy. Saddling himself on the ox’s back, his eyes are fixed on things not of the earth, earthy. Even if he is called, he will not turn his head; however enticed he will no more be kept back.

and the poem:

Riding on the animal, he leisurely wends his way home;
Enveloped in the evening mist, how tunefully the flute vanishes away!
Singing a ditty, beating time, his heart is filled with a joy indescribable!
That he is now one of those who know, need it be told?

I’m writing this detail to express a feeling of having tamed my disease. Not that it won’t have to be monitored from time to time, but the major danger is over, and I feel joyous!

Although the web site will continue to grow, this will be the second to last chapter in the book, Healthy Cells Grow All By Themselves, as I will submit Yellow Stream for publication as of Father’s Day, June 15. I feel that this is an important time for me to release the book because my children should be quite secure that the worst part of my disease has been conquered by then, and it is a good day to celebrate! The book will conclude with a chapter that summarizes and prioritizes my healing process, and should be very interesting.

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Manual of Zen Buddhism

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The Last Day of Treatment!

Today, I complete the Shipley bladder sparing protocol. Once again, I choose to spend the day resting in the examination room. It was uneventful, except for the lovely visit of A. M. Now it’s time to get in bed again until my final radiation treatment at 5:00 P.M. Then it’s time to celebrate, but I won’t do so until I recover from the chemotherapy and radiation. When I completed that last radiation treatment, I received a diploma for a job well done signed by all of the staff, but not the doctors.

I gave Dr. Gullion and Dr. Halberg copies of Yellow Stream and asked for their comments about the protocol and my response to it. If their writings are not too delayed and contain some valuable information, I’d like to include them as an appendix to Yellow Stream.

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The True Teaching of Zen

The second round of chemotherapy went without incident. I chose to spend the day in an examination room with a hospital bed to try to get some sleep. I also broke may lap top and have to send it to Nasuah, NH to be repaired. The tapes I brought to listen to were quite suitable for my purpose of getting some rest.

In the evening, I barely made it to my daughters’ presentations on the culture of Japan. My twelve year old demonstrated the making of Sushi and prepared an exhibit of other Japanese foods. My fourteen year old gave a speech on Zen Buddhism: Its Beliefs and Effects on Society. I was so proud of both girls, but I had to leave early to get in bed.

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“There’s Always Things We Can Do”

I started chemotherapy and radiation again today and it was “no piece of cake” (tomorrow is my brother’s birthday!). I had to be stuck four times before the i. v. took. In addition, the oncology group seemed to ignore the request of the radiation group that I be downstairs for my first radiation treatment by 12:30. So, Dr. Gullion cleverly sped up the protocol to grant their request, and I don’t know if this is good or bad, so I won’t pass judgment on it right now.

I was fairly wiped out after the chemotherapy and listened to a tape of Helen Palmer. There was so much good material in the tape that I easily fell asleep two or three times! I guess I’ll try to use this tape rather than sleeping pills. Some day, I’ll write more about what’s on the tape.

L. C. took me to the second dose of radiation. During our trip in the rush hour traffic, I was telling him about my daughter’s paper, Zen Buddhism: Its Beliefs and Effects on Society, which she is presenting tomorrow night. In spite of my so-called weakness from the chemotherapy, I experienced that her opening statement,

A special transmission outside the Scriptures;
No dependence upon words and letters;
Direct pointing to the soul of man;
Seeing into one’s own nature.

was true and felt a wave of ecstasy move through my body and focus on my bladder.

My wife really needed to go to the “Care Givers'” group at the Center for Attitudinal Healing tonight, so I went to the “Life Threatened” group. It was the best experience I ever had at the Center! I was moved so much by many of the opening statements that I felt the desire to speak first. I shared the difficulties that I was experiencing with my wife, and then the beautiful experience I had at Anna Halprin’s studio last week. Then I told the group about the email I sent to the Dalai Lama, which I quote here:

Dear Your Holiness:

I have been a practicing Buddhist since 1985.  I have been invited to the Tibet House Reception at the home of Ingrid and Reuben Hills in San Francisco next week, but I am unable to attend because I am recovering from bladder cancer and the requested donation is a little too steep for me.  However, I have inspired many of my wealthier friends to donate to Tibet House.

If I were to attend, I would ask you the following question:  I know that Padmasambhava is known to have said, “When the iron bird flies and horses run on wheels, the Tibetan people will be scattered like ants across the world and the Dharma will come to the land of the Red Man!” I want to know, first of all, how authentic is this quote?  Secondly, I want know how he could have foreseen ALL of these developments back in 828 A. D.?

Thank you so much for your response.  If you have time, you may want to visit my web site, “Yellow Stream” to see just how much mindfulness meant to me on my healing journey.

I love you and adore the Tibetans I’ve met.  In 1975, I visited Bodh Gaya and the Bo Tree of the Tathagata!

Thank you so much.

I raised the same questions with the group and everyone was touched! I also shared my experience in the car on the way to radiation therapy.

The other members shared so much valuable experience that I felt honored to be there. Because of the guiding principles of the Center, I feel bound not to reveal their stories except to say that one member’s significant other had made the above statement when news that was not so good was revealed. I offered that member and two other members who touched me deeply by their stories to do guided imagery with them if they wanted. In addition, since the Center is having financial difficulties, I felt moved to offer a workshop called, “Zen and the Art of Healing,” with all proceeds going to the Center. The two facilitators I spoke with about the workshop were wonderfully supportive! At the end of the group, I passed on the healing stone I received from Anna Halprin and passed around the group at the Center to one of the participants who I felt needed it more than I. The person was extremely grateful and said, “Do you mean I can keep it?”

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No Anna, No Dance!

Today is Monday and Anna is not having class tonight. But I have to prepare for chemotherapy tomorrow morning. This involves having blood work done early this morning and a visit to Dr. Gullion at 10:00. So I arrived at Meris Labs at 9:15 A. M., and thankfully, I had my lap top with me so that I could get some work done.  I didn’t get to see Dr. Gullion until 11:15!

We discussed the protocol and my blood tests. He thought that in my situation, it was a good choice and he wished more bladder cancer patients consulted him before they had a radical cystectomy, so that at least a bladder sparing protocol could be attempted. Although my white blood count was the lowest they had tracked, it does not inhibit continuing the protocol. So, tomorrow, we start again, but for the last time.

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J. and L. Return From Europe!

I got to play two sets of tennis at Eastwood Park! The gang was amazed that I was playing and I was playing so well. I had to rest a little during the second set, but, all in all, I did very well!

J. and L. came for lunch and we had a lovely time. Then I took my daughter to meet her friend to go to the circus and spoke to her father for a long time. We talked about my healing journey and his recent vacation. He was very happy for me and said that what I was doing was helping us all!

Later in the after noon, I received an email message from Elisabeth Frauendorfer, Ph.D. about some new research she was doing about a theory about the cause and development of disease, and experiments leading to a possible therapy/cure. If anyone is interested in what she has to say, please send her email. I am planning to forward a copy to Michael Broffman to see what he has to say.

In the evening, R. C. came over with his daughter, daughter-in-law, and grandson for dinner. The daughter is graduating Marin Horizon School with my daughter, and they are close friends. R. C. is a self made millionaire who we’ve been friends with since pre-school. His wife is on a two-week first-class tour of England, Prague, and Budapest for her 50th birthday. He’s trying to sell his company now and feels really good about it. We spoke about a workshop he attended which called for speaking your own truth and not trying to change anyone else. The discussion was fascinating and could have gone on for hours. I’m sure we’ll resume it the next time we get together.

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Suzanne’s Birthday

To compensate for cutting her finger, Gail Teehan agreed to meet me for lunch today at Kitty’s Place. At least, this gave me the opportunity to tell her what was going on with me and to find out what her trip to Santa Barbara was like. After lunch, we took a nice walk in Fort Baker on Hawk Hill, where we saw magnificent views of San Francisco, the Pacific Ocean, and Rodeo Beach. I was fairly exhausted from the effort, and decided to rest for a few hours.

During my rest period, I watched two documentaries on Tibet on PBS. The plight of the Tibetans is as bad as any people in exile. I felt like spending the $500.00 to attend a reception for the Dalai Lama that I was invited to on June 10, and I still may do so. When I was in India in 1975, I visited the village of Bodh Gaya, the location of the Bo Tree where Buddha became enlightened. There was one Tibetan restaurant there, and I at there frequently. The people were so kind, even though one of the spoke very little English – just enough to all me to order. There is a special beauty about the Tibetans I’ve met, and along with Thich Nhat Hanh, I consider the Dalai Lama the most influential Buddhists of our day. If anyone is interested in helping out the Tibetan cause, please let me know!

When the programs were over, I decided to go to Suzanne Schmidt’s birthday party, which turned out to be very special. Instead of the usual shuffling around and trying to figure who to talk to, Suzanne told us a story about her life, and two other women read pieces of their writings. I was touched by all of this, for I felt that each one of the women were more accomplished writers than I, and I had something to aspire to in my writing. I am not putting myself down, I’m recognizing the talent I saw last night.

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Who Am I?

I had a session with Leslie Davenport today. I went in with an agenda, which I promptly forgot. However, after rambling on about all the good things that were happening in my life, I finally remembered that I wanted to do a guided imagery in which all of the dead cells and unwanted drugs were cleansed from my system. The session was filled with ecstatic moments, as I saw little water falls cleanse and bring energy to my eyes and flow down to my abdomen, and breathed into various places in my body. We then did a body scan, and when we got to my bladder, she used my saying of “healthy cells grow all by themselves!” This, of course, triggered other ecstatic moments, and I channeled the wonderful energy right into my bladder. Then we went deeper into the process of going inward, and she suddenly came up with the question, “Who are you, Jerome?” I had an immediate flash of blue light come in through my belly center and could only answer, “When Bhodidharma was asked that question by King Wu, he said, ‘I don’t know,’ and went off to meditate in a cave for nine years! So I don’t know!” We back into the guided imagery and a short while later she repeated the question. This time, my answer was the same, and I really got a kick out of it as if it were the real answer to the question. I felt like I had solved the koan quit well! The session ended soon after that, and I wanted to spend some more quality time with Leslie.

Later in the evening I went my Evolutionary Circle group. I spent a good deal of time explaining my physical condition, and everyone was thrilled. Then I began speaking about my spiritual state and invited them to follow the mindfulness path that I have been taking as an exercise. Everyone was enthusiastic about doing this, and the exercise lasted about twenty minutes.

I brought everyone into the breath in the belly by having them take several deep breaths, and then bringing their focus the to rising and falling of the breath in their bellies. I instructed them to repeat to themselves mentally, “healthy” with each inhalation, and to repeat “free” with each exhalation. At this point I let them get adjusted to what was going on internally with them before dealing with other objects of the mind. I then asked the to allow a physical sensation arise in their bodies and experience just what happens to their belly practice when the get lost in the effects of the body. After bringing them back to the belly breath, I instructed them on experiencing an emotion, so that they could experience what it was like to have some feelings while they were focusing on their breath in their bellies. I explained that energy follows attention and that if the emotion was strong enough, the breath observation practice would cease and they would get caught up in their feelings. I brought them back to the belly breath and guided them through the mental objects of thoughts, memories, plans, and images in the same way I had done the feelings, each time expressing the fact that the belly practice would dissipate if the energy in the though, memory, plan, or image was strong enough to move their energy. Then I had them return the breath in the belly for a few moments of silence, just so they could experience whatever came into their consciousness.

Finally, I brought them back into the room and had everyone share their individual experiences. The experiment was a tremendous success and provided a setting for the rest of the group to check in. I told many other stories of my spiritual experiences since our last meeting, and felt tremendous love and support from the whole group. They are so happy that I am doing so well!

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Copyright © 2004-2018, Jerome Freedman, Ph. D.