An Angel Over My Shoulder

Today was the surgery and Julie Motz was the angel over my shoulder! She arrived at the hospital at 7:00 A. M. and stayed until about 9:30 or 10:00. I believe that her presence was appreciated by Dr. Neuwirth as well. I am not sure that I can tell you exactly what she contributed to the operating environment, but I felt comfortable. I haven’t had a chance to find out what she thought yet, nor do I know the results of the biopsy.

The good news is that I was home by 3:00 P. M. and spent some real quality time with my son, who came to visit me. On the side that is not such good news is that I came home with a catheter in me, which has to be there until Monday to take pressure off of my bladder. Aside from feeling really tired, I’m doing quite well. I have no pain, and only a little discomfort from the catheter.


The Day Before

I got a massage from Elyse this morning. It was the best massage I ever had from her in probably two years of seeing her. Today, I seemed more relaxed and she was more able to penetrate my tissues. In addition, she has very healing hands and really cares about me. She spent a lot of time massaging my belly and bladder, and remarked how easy and free I was. It was a terrific experience!

Cancerport was once again very supportive to my surgery tomorrow. They were very encouraged by my report from Dr. Belknap, and excited by Julie Motz. Unfortunately, two of our members passed away this week. One of them was the lady I visited last month. Another member is having his last few days. I wonder where I stand in all of this.

In the evening, Julie Motz spoke at Marin General Hospital. After telling her story about how she became an energy healer, she spoke about the heart. She said that in Chinese medicine, the heart is the governor of the body, and that the seeds of emotion lie in different organs. She also said that anger is the energy of the heart. She talked about the pericardium, the protective tissue around the heart, as the location of the seat of love.

She gave her ideas about surgery, which essentially is that early trauma needs to be worked out through surgery. She also restated her proposition that cancer begins in the womb as immature, incomplete, fetal cells which stop growing and that wait around for an opportunity to grow out of control. In breast cancer, patients usually feel that their mother was burdened or embittered by the experience of mothering and this had an effect for the patient. Mothers were ambivalent or under a lot of stress during pregnancy.

She led us on a guided imagery experience through each chamber of the heart. The left aortic valve represents fear. The left ventricle valve represent anger, and is the origin of the heart beat. The right aortic valve puts us in touch with pain, and the right ventricle is the origin of love.


Meeting Julie Motz

Julie is a sweet, lovely woman who really cares about people and their healing. I was immediately impressed by her softness and her energy. She seems to operate from a space of loving kindness and compassion.

After brief introductions, we got right down to the business of healing. Her theory is that cancer forms initially in the womb! The weak, unformed, incomplete cells develop there because of a lack of nutrients or in reaction to stress in the mother. The cells remain dormant until a stressful event triggers their erratic growth.

Well, I just wrote a beautiful piece about my experience with Julie Motz and Microsoft Word completely destroyed it after I completed the spell check! So, I’ll do the best that I can to reproduce it.

The purpose of our meeting was to do two visualizations, one of my life from pre-conception to birth, and the other, a preview of the surgery on Friday. To get into the first, she had me breath deeply several times and then had me imagine that I was breathing in through my naval, as this was the first place that I received oxygen in my body. I was then asked to experience what I was like just before conception. In my view, I experienced myself as empty of an individual existence, and therefore I was full of everything else. I was made up partly of my mother and partly of my father. I was also partly made up of their parents, and their parents…

At the moment of conception, I felt that I entered through the egg in my mother and was fertilized by the sperm. The tail of the sperm fell off just like a red leaf falls of a tree in autumn, after it has been nourishing the tree since it first grew in the spring. The tail of the sperm helped propel the sperm into the egg, which now flowed down to find a spot in the uterus. The single cell split into two, and the two into four, and so on. Soon, the cells started differentiating, and I was attached to the womb through the umbilical chord. It was through this chord that I obtain oxygen and nourishment from my mother. I also was bombarded with alcohol from Jewish observances and an occasional cigarette. Eventually, I grew to full term and emitted the hormones that indicated that I was ready to be born. I took my first breath of air and was cut off from my supply of nutrients.

The second imagery experience was shorter than the first. In the surgery preparation room, a nurse lovingly inserted the I. V. and gently rolled me into the operating room. Everyone there did their best to minimize the trauma I was experiencing, and I found myself waking up in the recovery room without much difficulty.


A Much Better Day

I’m having a much better day today, thanks to a decent amount of sleep (perhaps!) I worked in the morning before my appointment with Leslie Davenport. In the session, we did a guided imagery experience of what was happening in my life at the present moment. The threat of the pathologist finding cancer in my bladder was still the primary focus of my attention. Leslie, in her wisdom, asked me if there was a way that I could turn out good even if the results were not what I wanted. Although I am still wrestling with this concept, I feel more confident in my ability to use my mindfulness to stay focused on all the good work I have done until now.

Next, I had to register for my surgery of Friday and make sure that everything was OK for Julie Motz. I didn’t even have to wait, so I guess everything will flow smoothly on Friday.

Following my registration, I waited around for a neck and shoulder massage with Anna Pera at the Radiation Oncology Unit. It really felt great and came at a perfect time. I really allowed myself to relax into it and thus I got a lot of benefit from it.

In late afternoon, I had a complete physical with Dr. Belknap. The blood work was very normal and the rest of my health is surprisingly good! Dr. Belknap said with the blood tests and physical exam combined, he gave me an 80 to 90 percent chance of being free of cancer in my bladder! This information helped me to relax slightly.

At night, my wife and I went to the Center for Attitudinal Healing. Some people have been coming to the group for years, against which my three week barely measures up. However, I found it quite beneficial to speak once again about the dilemma I have with the outcome of my surgery on Friday. I am trying to hold either outcome as a part of my healing process, but I really, really prefer to be free of cancer now! I spoke a lot about my daughters reaction to my illness and how they were such wonderful children. “We don’t need a support group!” is what they always say! Their love and support is really helpful, even though I’m not quite sure that they know the worst case scenario.


Your Average American Day

This morning I went in for my blood work for Dr. Belknap. In addition, I had blood taken for a nutritional analysis of my blood recommended by Dr. Rossman.

Later, I went to Leslie Davenport‘s group at Marin General Hospital. Leslie did a guided imagery which evoked the four elements. She began with the earth element by having us imaging our feet grounded to the earth even through our socks, shoes, the floor of the room, and on down through the building. She continued with the water, air, and fire, building on the images we had already constructed. Upon completion of the guided imagery, we drew a picture to represent our experience. My drawing incorporated all of the elements focusing on the room in which we were meeting. The building in which the room was looked more like a safe than a building, and I remarked that we were trying to create a “safe” space with our group. Everyone laughed! The group was also quite excited about Julie Motz!

When I got home, I needed to rest, as I was expecting a visit from my ex-wife. She is visiting our son from Israel and wanted to visit me. She arrived one hour late in a broken down car and was more or less forced to spend the night! She even invited me to go to Yosemite with my son and her!


It’s May, It’s May!

I started the day off by taking the girls to school. From there I went to Cascade Falls in Mill Valley to do the immune system building exercises and meditated, but it was too cold to sit quietly that early in the morning. Nevertheless, I did the exercises and walked for about thirty minutes up on Mount Tamalpias, going uphill from the falls. The walk was very pleasant and I enjoyed it very much. I was able to be mindful most of the way.

The meeting at Cancerport was rather typical. I announced the Julie Motz lecture next week, and told everyone that she was going to be at my surgery. Other than that, all I had to report was my nervousness over the procedure next week.

Alan Sheets was gentle and caring. He is really interested in doing something about the pain in my knees. He wants me to videotape my tennis play so that he can see just why I’m wearing out the toes of my right shoe faster than any other part of the shoe.

At night, I went to my Evolutionary Circle group. Many people were feeling tired last night, especially me! Once again, the theme was laying on of the hands healing, and I was the first subject. The healing felt good. I remember one of the healers saying that I was surrounded by love and joy in my life! What a nice idea!


Fog in the Bay

I took a break from my normal working day to walk by the water in Sausalito, meditate, and do some of the strengthening exercises for my immune system. I noticed that I could not see San Francisco, Berkeley or Oakland because of the fog, but Sausalito was clear. The meditation period was quite nice, and I felt rather good to be doing the stretches again.

My surgery has been changed to 7:30 A. M. on Friday, May 9 and Julie Motz will attend!

In my session, today, with Leslie Davenport, I dealt with the anxiety I feel about the question of whether or not there is still cancer in my body that represents a threat to my life. She felt confident that this was a good session for more EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing), and I thought it wise to allow her intuition to guide our work together. Several issues came up with regard to various stances about my current physical condition. The issues that were most prominent in my mind were the unattractiveness of radical cystectomy on the one hand, and the powerful healing session I had with Leslie on March 21 on the other. I needed to break through my resistance to allow the radical cystectomy to be part of my healing, and not seeing it as an invalidation of “healthy cells grow all by themselves.” In the end, I realized that I was doing my best to help my recovery, and that as long as I kept looking deeply into alternatives as they come to me, I don’t have to feel bad about anything I’ve done. It is this attitude that brought Julie Motz into my surgery, and gave me the opportunity to see Don Alejandro.

In the evening, I attended the “Life Threatened” group at the Center for Attitudinal Healing and my wife attended the “Care Givers” group. Our group was quite smaller than last week, and all but one person was there last week. It dawned on me how much worse off each of the other members were than me, and I was struck with a feeling of compassion for their suffering. When it was my turn to share, I offered a copy of Yellow Stream to the Center, and talked about Julie Motz. One of the people there had met her at the home where she is staying and said that she was pretty incredible. I believe her! I also spoke about Don Alejandro and my nervousness over next week’s biopsy.


Don Alejandro

This week and next week will determine the future course of my treatment. The Shipley protocol calls for another TUR around May 6, to determine if there is any cancer in my bladder. The question for Dr. Neuwirth is, “Is my bladder free of cancer?” If the answer is no, then I am to proceed with more chemotherapy and radiation. This phase is known as “consolidation CFI,” where CFI stands for cis-platin, 5FU, and irradiation. If the answer is not no, then Dr. Neuwirth will probably recommend “radical cystectomy,” which I want to avoid.

To help me cope with such a decision, I went to see a Peruvian shaman by the name of Don Alejandro this morning. The session took place in Sebastopol, about 50 miles north of Sausalito. I had in interpreter who translated Don Alejandro’s Spanish into English for me on the fly – as he was speaking. This was a little confusing at first, but I eventually got used to it. I asked him the question on the list in appendix 4.

In the session, Don Alejandro told me that my disease was hereditary. Then I explained to him how my sister died of Leukemia, my mother of an osteosarcoma, my dad of bladder cancer, and how my son survived kidney cancer. Don Alejandro recommended that I continue with the chemotherapy and radiation, if that was required. He felt for sure that I would be cured of cancer, but that it may be a slow process. He said that there would probably be more than one looking into my bladder for cancer. He gave me advice on what to eat: no cold drinks, no red meat, fish in small quantities, and no sea food (my favorite). I should eat steamed or raw vegetables to make up the calories that I need to take in. Cold drinks cause the digestive system to clam up and can cause inflammation in the bladder. I don’t quite understand this, but maybe Michael Broffman can explain it to me. He suggested I take cat’s claw, which I already knew about. I’ll also check this out with Michael Broffman.

He said that I should maintain peace of mind and let all of my problems go. He asked me if I followed any religion, and I naturally told him that I followed Buddhism. He didn’t make a comment about this, but I’m sure it figured into the psychic equation.

Prior to doing his psychic healing, Don Alejandro had me drink a herbal beverage that was quite bitter. I was expecting apple juice! Then I laid down on the bed and he proceeded to heal me according to his methods. He first explored my bladder with his hands and then began a chant in a strange language that could have been mistaken for Hebrew. The chant lasted about five minutes and was very soothing. I noticed that he was sitting with his hands in the prayer position while chanting.

The next thing I knew was that he was laying his hands on my bladder area. After a while, I got the idea to open psychically to him, and I felt him penetrate my defenses. I found myself smiling during the process, and furthermore, I maintained a focus on my breathing with “healthy… free…” Some of his manipulations of my bladder area began to hurt, and I tightened up a bit. Then I realized that this was part of the healing process and I relaxed into it. His work proceeded without further hindrance from me, and soon it was over. He pronounced the healing complete, and, at the same time, ended the session.

I left Sebastopol almost immediately, as I felt that I needed time to integrate what he said and what he did. We came straight home and I did a “mind story” about the healing. My feeling now is that he did major good and I would definitely see him again. By the way, the tape recorder was on “pause,” so I didn’t get any of the conversation. However, the essence of the treatment was the healing, not the words.

In a way, I am now better prepared for a bad answer from Dr. Neuwirth, because Don Alejandro had said that I may have to have my bladder looked into more than once. I’m not sure if he was seeing the follow-up cystoscopic exams, or another TURBT.

In the afternoon, I went to see Dr. Neuwirth, who was quite pleased with how I looked. However, he did not examine me and his scheduler made a point of my having a physical exam with Dr. Belknap before the surgery next week on May 8. He did say that he was willing to have Julie Motz in the operating room with him. He even mentioned that she was in the operating room with a friend of his last week.

For those of you who haven’t heard of Julie Motz, I’ll give you a little run down of what I know from reading the Pacific Sun article from April 23, to April 29, 1997. The article basically states that Julie enters the operating room with the surgeon and does laying on of the hands healing during the surgery. She is the first to use energy healing in the operating room. She works primarily with cancer and heart disease patients. She is giving a lecture at Marin General Hospital on May 8 at 7:00 P. M. I’m trying to use my connection with Leslie Davenport to get to speak with Julie Motz about visiting me during my surgery next week.

Julie Motz called me a little later and said that she would love to work with me, but she can’t do it on May 8. I’m now trying to reschedule my surgery for May 9 to have her there and participate in my healing experience. Maybe I can even get her to write a preface to Yellow Stream!

In the evening, I attended Anna Halprin‘s class. As Anna was receiving an award from her piers, the class was taught by Jordy. She taught a class before, and this one was quite good. The theme of the evening was getting in touch with parts of our bodies that were free and not so free. I identified my knees as being not so free and my buttocks as free. We expressed these parts through writing, movement, working in pairs, and drawing. I drew the above picture. Click on the picture to get a full size version. Then click here to get a rotated version. Quite by accident, the picture works from both orientations. In the first, we see two people lying in the grass with a blue sky above them. In the second, the people are still lying in the grass, but now they are by a lake and the sun is reflecting in the lake. On the back of the picture I wrote,

“Life is made up of free and non-free elements. Aren’t we lucky that there is no permanent self to carry foreword after this life is over? We are free to live our life as we want and discover how to integrate free and non-free elements.”


Copyright © 2004-2018, Jerome Freedman, Ph. D.