Author: jerome

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A Really Hot Day!

This morning, I slept until 9:00 A. M., which is very unusual for me. I needed the rest and felt all right about canceling my tennis date. Getting up so late almost made me late for Leslie Davenport‘s group. The hot weather kept the group quite small. When I shared about being free of cancer in my bladder, everyone was thrilled and inspired. This gave me the opportunity to express my feelings about integrative medicine, and I am beginning to think that I am preaching to the choir!

Leslie led us in a guided imagery experience that focused on qualities we would like to have in our beings. I focused on self-love, self-acceptance and joy. The experience was tremendously peaceful and I had many moments of joy. When Leslie asked us to focus on our little circle, I was reminded of the metta or loving kindness blessings that I use so often. While the other people drew pictures of their guided imagery experience, I wrote out the metta blessings for each of the cancer patients in the group. This is what I wrote:

May you be at peace!
May your heart remain open!
May you know the beauty and the radiance of your own true nature!
May you be healed!

In the traditional way of practicing metta, as I was taught, one starts with showering loving kindness blessings on oneself, because if your heart isn’t open, it’s awfully difficult to reach another. Next, you proceed to shower the loving kindness blessings on someone you love or someone you are close with. This is to bring them joy and heal their pain. After that, you shower the loving kindness blessings on someone you are having a little difficulty with, in order to learn forgiveness and open your heart to the person who hurt you or with whom you are not communicating very well. Finally, you imagine the earth, floating like a jewel in the vast emptiness of space, with it’s green forests and fertile lands, white mountain tops, blue ocean, and brown deserts. You beam down loving kindness vibrations to all beings, and repeat the loving kindness blessings to all occupants of the earth. You end with, “May All Beings Be Happy!” The last statement has been my traditional screen saver for many years!

My daughter just got elected to the council at school and we are going to celebrate her victory and my recovery tonight at the Buckeye!

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Another Day of Healing

I went to Cancerport this morning to share my good news and everyone was thrilled. Many people came up to me and told me that they were inspired by my success. Just about everyone wanted me to speak first, and I did. Naturally, I took the opportunity to share how important it was to combine conventional medicine with alternatives, and one of the members pointed out that they were no longer considered “alternatives,” but “complimentary.” All in all, I enjoyed the good wishes of everyone.

Next, I had the most incredible Feldenkrais session with Gail Teehan. She had just completed a two and one half weeks of training. She worked mainly on my hips, pelvis, and shoulders, and I felt my body move in ways it never had before. Our contact in the session was extremely close and healing. I am most grateful for having these sessions with Gail. Next time, I’m also going to get a massage!

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A Day of Recovery

I plan to spend most of the day working in bed today, as I really felt weak yesterday. I don’t have any appointment I need to rush off to, but I am going to try some stretching exercises.

I spoke with Dr. Neuwirth today and found out for sure that the little 3 mm specimen was completely removed and there is nothing to worry about. Therefore, my bladder is totally free of cancer now, and I intend to keep it that way.

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Free of Cancer!

My first appointment this morning was with Dr. Gullion.  He was rather pleased that the induction phase of the Shipley protocol worked so well.  He was also a little concerned about the 3 mm growth that was cut out of the surface of my bladder. He basically said that that was the nature of my bladder, and I would have to be watched. Nonetheless, we are still on the Shipley protocol and we begin chemotherapy and radiation next week. The basic protocol is the same, with chemo on Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday with 5FU and cis-platin, and radiation twice a day on Tuesday and Thursday. The whole process repeats itself after a week off. Then I am finished with the protocol. I plan to call Shipley today to discuss the situation with him.

My next appointment was with Leslie Davenport. My major concern in speaking with her was about the 3 mm tumor that was removed. I am still confused about how it could be there, with treatments I’ve had so far, but now it is removed and my bladder is free of cancer. We worked on the sadness I felt as a result of having some cancer removed, and I connected it with a desire for intimacy, especially with my wife. I apparently still need to work out some personal problems having to do with asserting myself, while maintaining a close and intimate relationship with my wife.

To celebrate my recovery, T. R. took me lunch at Insalata in San Anselmo. We had a very nice lunch, followed by a stroll by Gelato and a chat in the park. T. is very grateful for my recovery and very inspired by it.

All afternoon I felt extremely tired. I suppose it was from too much running around on Monday and Tuesday. Therefore, I’ve decided to try to take it easy today.

I went to the Center for Attitudinal healing last night and shared my happy news. Everyone was happy for me, and I continued to express my mission of presenting alternative methods as something to be done in conjunction with convention medical practice. I shared the T-Up information with one of the patients who seems to be reaching the point of no return. This patient has a choice for surgery for which the recovery period could be as long as the remaining of his life if he doesn’t have the surgery. The poor patient really has some tough decisions to make, and perhaps I can help him.

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The Big Answer

Today, I very nervous. I am supposed to have the catheter removed and receive the results of the biopsy this morning. I even spilled the catheter bag! I only have to wait another hour though.

Back from the surgeon! The preliminary biopsy report was NEGATIVE!
Breathing in,
Breathing out,
HEALTHY cells grow all by themselves!
I am FREE of cancer!

I have been ecstatic all day! A new perspective on combining alternative medicine with standard medical practice should be instituted nation-wide. This is a new theme for my work.

The complete biopsy report came in around 5:00 P. M. Although the results indicated that I had a complete response to the Shipley protocol, there was some new “transitional cell carcinoma, grade II/IV, without evidence of invasion.” This means that my bladder is still susceptible to new growth, and I have to focus on prevention once the next round of chemo and radiation is complete. In essence, we continue with the bladder sparing protocol. This, in of itself, is quite a victory and cause for celebration.


So when I arrived at Anna Halprin‘s class, I was greeted with applause and cheers, and a spirit of celebration. After our usual round of checking in, we did some group movement, continuing the spirit of celebration. We followed this with more floor exercises from last week. Anna had us visualize a deeply relaxing spot in nature, and I immediately went to China Beach at Point Lobos State Reserve, near Carmel, California. The picture I drew was of this very spot. I wrote,

“Guarding the sense gates – I can secure the future by mindfulness in the present.”

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Mother’s Day

On my 56th birthday on October 8, 1995, my wife had just completed orthoscopic hip surgery six days earlier. As a result, she was not able to make much of a birthday celebration for me. In addition, my son’s mother showed up just about dinner time with my son, so she wound up staying with us for takeout Chinese! It was one of the strangest birthdays I ever had! So, today, I’m the one who is unable to contribute to a Mother’s Day celebration, although I did buy flowers and make a nice card on Thursday.

I imagine it will be another day of phone calls and visitors.

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An Angel Over My Shoulder

Today was the surgery and Julie Motz was the angel over my shoulder! She arrived at the hospital at 7:00 A. M. and stayed until about 9:30 or 10:00. I believe that her presence was appreciated by Dr. Neuwirth as well. I am not sure that I can tell you exactly what she contributed to the operating environment, but I felt comfortable. I haven’t had a chance to find out what she thought yet, nor do I know the results of the biopsy.

The good news is that I was home by 3:00 P. M. and spent some real quality time with my son, who came to visit me. On the side that is not such good news is that I came home with a catheter in me, which has to be there until Monday to take pressure off of my bladder. Aside from feeling really tired, I’m doing quite well. I have no pain, and only a little discomfort from the catheter.

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The Day Before

I got a massage from Elyse this morning. It was the best massage I ever had from her in probably two years of seeing her. Today, I seemed more relaxed and she was more able to penetrate my tissues. In addition, she has very healing hands and really cares about me. She spent a lot of time massaging my belly and bladder, and remarked how easy and free I was. It was a terrific experience!

Cancerport was once again very supportive to my surgery tomorrow. They were very encouraged by my report from Dr. Belknap, and excited by Julie Motz. Unfortunately, two of our members passed away this week. One of them was the lady I visited last month. Another member is having his last few days. I wonder where I stand in all of this.

In the evening, Julie Motz spoke at Marin General Hospital. After telling her story about how she became an energy healer, she spoke about the heart. She said that in Chinese medicine, the heart is the governor of the body, and that the seeds of emotion lie in different organs. She also said that anger is the energy of the heart. She talked about the pericardium, the protective tissue around the heart, as the location of the seat of love.

She gave her ideas about surgery, which essentially is that early trauma needs to be worked out through surgery. She also restated her proposition that cancer begins in the womb as immature, incomplete, fetal cells which stop growing and that wait around for an opportunity to grow out of control. In breast cancer, patients usually feel that their mother was burdened or embittered by the experience of mothering and this had an effect for the patient. Mothers were ambivalent or under a lot of stress during pregnancy.

She led us on a guided imagery experience through each chamber of the heart. The left aortic valve represents fear. The left ventricle valve represent anger, and is the origin of the heart beat. The right aortic valve puts us in touch with pain, and the right ventricle is the origin of love.

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Meeting Julie Motz

Julie is a sweet, lovely woman who really cares about people and their healing. I was immediately impressed by her softness and her energy. She seems to operate from a space of loving kindness and compassion.

After brief introductions, we got right down to the business of healing. Her theory is that cancer forms initially in the womb! The weak, unformed, incomplete cells develop there because of a lack of nutrients or in reaction to stress in the mother. The cells remain dormant until a stressful event triggers their erratic growth.

Well, I just wrote a beautiful piece about my experience with Julie Motz and Microsoft Word completely destroyed it after I completed the spell check! So, I’ll do the best that I can to reproduce it.

The purpose of our meeting was to do two visualizations, one of my life from pre-conception to birth, and the other, a preview of the surgery on Friday. To get into the first, she had me breath deeply several times and then had me imagine that I was breathing in through my naval, as this was the first place that I received oxygen in my body. I was then asked to experience what I was like just before conception. In my view, I experienced myself as empty of an individual existence, and therefore I was full of everything else. I was made up partly of my mother and partly of my father. I was also partly made up of their parents, and their parents…

At the moment of conception, I felt that I entered through the egg in my mother and was fertilized by the sperm. The tail of the sperm fell off just like a red leaf falls of a tree in autumn, after it has been nourishing the tree since it first grew in the spring. The tail of the sperm helped propel the sperm into the egg, which now flowed down to find a spot in the uterus. The single cell split into two, and the two into four, and so on. Soon, the cells started differentiating, and I was attached to the womb through the umbilical chord. It was through this chord that I obtain oxygen and nourishment from my mother. I also was bombarded with alcohol from Jewish observances and an occasional cigarette. Eventually, I grew to full term and emitted the hormones that indicated that I was ready to be born. I took my first breath of air and was cut off from my supply of nutrients.

The second imagery experience was shorter than the first. In the surgery preparation room, a nurse lovingly inserted the I. V. and gently rolled me into the operating room. Everyone there did their best to minimize the trauma I was experiencing, and I found myself waking up in the recovery room without much difficulty.

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Copyright © 2004-2018, Jerome Freedman, Ph. D.